Mourinho's Madrid blow Málaga away: Bellingham and Mbappé run riot

José Mourinho promised a great many things on his return to the Santiago Bernabéu. Mercy was not among them. Half an hour into his home bow, Real Madrid were three goals up, Jude Bellingham had a brace, Kylian Mbappé had helped himself again, and newly-promoted Málaga were doing the footballing equivalent of quietly apologising for turning up. It ended 4-0. As a neutral, it was a joy. As a Barcelona fan, I would like to lie down in a dark room.

Bellingham and Mbappé are simply unfair right now

Two games into the season, Madrid have scored seven and conceded one. Mbappé arrived fresh off a hat-trick against Real Sociedad and barely changed pace, finishing inside the box after Bellingham had already grabbed two: the first a solo run Málaga swore was a foul (it was not, it was simply Bellingham being better than all of them), the second kind enough to deflect in off their goalkeeper, presumably out of sympathy. By the half-hour it was men against boys, and the boys had been promoted in May and were quietly wishing they hadn’t.

What you won’t get on the teamsheet

The real horror is the man in the technical area. Mourinho is back for a third act nobody requested and everybody will watch, and someone has handed him Mbappé, Bellingham and, just for a laugh, Trent Alexander-Arnold. That is not a squad, it is a cheat code with a translator. His whole career has been about taking outrageous talent and making it organised and nasty; giving him this lot is like handing a man who loves fire a flamethrower and a note reading “enjoy”. Málaga were simply first in the queue to be enjoyed.

Seven goals in two games, Mbappé and Bellingham in this mood, and Mourinho back in the dugout: the rest of La Liga shouldn’t be worried, it should be filing a complaint.

The final score barely matters

It finished 4-0 and could comfortably have been eight; Mourinho hauled Mbappé off midway through the second half the way you close an app to save battery. This is a Real Madrid with too much firepower and a manager who treats a two-goal lead as a personal insult. Málaga will not be the last side to trudge off the Bernabéu turf discreetly checking whether the Segunda División was really so bad after all.

Mourinho said he came back for nights like these. For everyone else, La Liga has quietly become a two-horse race between Real Madrid and the concept of dignity. Hala Madrid, and all that. Now excuse me, I have a Barcelona shirt to go and cry into.